Apr 22 2012
On the development of Rebel Mama, and the basis of my future TED talk
WRITTEN by,
It’s incredible how the declaration of a project can begin to draw the necessary forces to bring it to life. As I talk Rebel Mama, I really shine as Rebel Mama. I embody it. And yet.
I don’t.
There is so much more to this than me. That’s why I have to do it. This is a massive piece of who I am – the conflicted mother role – but it’s not all of me. It’s not any of us.
We are more than mothers. We are more than wives. How is it that after all of this time we are still not enough because of our sex?
And how can we change this?
The United States is one of four countries in the world without paid maternity leave. This is a travesty. A few other quick facts on motherhood.
- The estimated number of mothers of all ages in the United States: 80.5 million
- Globally less than 40% of infants under six months of age are exclusively breastfed. Adequate breastfeeding support for mothers and families could save many young lives.
- The most important relationship in a child’s life is the attachment to his or her primary caregiver, optimally, the mother. This is due to the fact that this first relationship determines the biological and emotional ‘template’ for all future relationships.
This reaches beyond political platforms. Your wives, sisters, friends – most will be mothers at some point in their lives. And they will have to decide.
Do I stay home with my new baby? Do I give myself the time I need to heal? Do I breastfeed?
And what about those mothers who can’t choose?
Can I afford to stay home with my new baby? Can I afford to give myself time to heal?
What a tragedy.
Concerns
The argument I hear forming already is that against the mythical “welfare mom.”
Because poor women have no right to time to heal or time with their infants? They don’t deserve consideration. Because a woman is poor and likely uneducated, her ability to bring children into the world – which is otherwise considered a blessing – is looked down on as a societal problem.
How many women do you honestly believe don’t want a better life for their children?
And what about those children? What will become of them?
Well, since their mother has no access to healthcare or education or the money she needs to take care of herself and her children, there isn’t much hope.
Confession
During my 2nd year of college, I was on welfare for six months.
That money made a huge difference in mine and my daughter’s quality of life. By the way, do you know what a cash cow welfare is? Oh yeah! We were living the high life there with that $400.
$400. That was enough to cover my portion of the rent and utilities in the tiny, two bedroom apartment I shared with 3 other people. And I was so grateful. Normally, if you’re in college, they won’t give you any help. (Which makes tons of sense, right? You’re in college, which means you must have access to loads of money.) My wonderful case worker found a loop hole so she could help us, because she saw how committed I was to making a better life for my daughter and I.
If it weren’t for that money, I would have had to find a part-time job. I would have seen even less of my daughter, who at the time was eight months old.
And there is nothing I regret more than how much of that first year with her I missed.
More to Come
Periodically, I’m going to touch on the process of writing Rebel Mama, because frankly, I didn’t anticipate having it so much of an effect on me as it has so far.
It’s been incubating since I wrote my first ebook, The Minimalist Mom. I realized the topic I really wanted to write about was bigger than that. It wasn’t about minimalism and motherhood; it was about the assumptions and labels people place on us. Thus, Undefinable You was born.
And then it got more involved. It grew into a business, consulting, selling my writing. Incredible growth.
The more I talked with people, the more I learned how tied up our businesses are in our stories – thus the focus I put on writing “about” pages. At the beginning, I couldn’t get through a branding session without someone crying in the first 15 minutes. My superpower is being able to cut to the heart of the matter rapidly – I put people at ease and they share the deep stuff.
I loved it. The more I learned, the more I connected the dots between the stories we tell ourselves, the ones society tells us, and the heroes’ stories we aspire to and often should be telling. Especially the story of motherhood.
Labels and motherhood PISS ME OFF. Can’t stand ‘em. But, as humans we can’t live without them – categorizing is what we do. I could tell there was something more to this line of thought. Motherhood, feminism, stories, cultural narratives.
I thought this was just going to be side project, a marketing experiment, the jumping off point for my career as a writer in the traditional publishing world should I want it… But once I started working on it, I realized how much bigger than me it was.
Now, I’m rethinking the scope of it.
When I was writing this week, I burst into tears. I realized I was writing my future TED talk. MY future political career. (Thinking the Senate, but we’ll see.) It’s THE mission. I never thought I really had one.
Now, I want to gather a tribe around the idea that there is an alternative to status-quo endorsed motherhood. We are more. We deserve more.
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9 Comments
YES! After I had my daughter I was miserable being back at work. And I had to fight to have 2 months off. They wouldnt give me 3 because I hadnt been at the company for more than a year and they had to give me at least 2 per doctors orders. I did get disability pay but only after I used all my vacation/sick days (which I saved like mad) and then it was only a portion of my regular pay.
Once I did go back I started back at part-time and just knew I couldnt keep doing it. Everyone said it would get easier leaving my daughter each day (who thankfully was able to stay with her father in the day) but each evening I would run home and just hold her and knew there had to be another way. Then they started asking me to come back full time. And I knew I couldnt.
So I gave notice. We had been saving to move (living w/ family) and hadnt decided where to go. In a nutshell we decided to move to Italy where I could be home with my daughter (my husband is from Italy). We lived off savings for awhile but it worked out. We both work from home now but I still have to listen to people say but when are you going to get a real job (mostly my own mother…) Funny, my daughter was just about 8 months old when we left. She’s 2 and a half now.
I’m with you 100 thousand %. People need to realize that motherhood is a real job. Mothers deserve so much more. And its like this crazy thing that no one talks about or takes seriously. You are right its tragic and society and the politicians want to blame the mother. But its the system thats broken. And other mothers keep perpetuating the fact that we “cant” do anything to change it. Its drives me insane. When I was getting ready to leave my job, there so many moms who would say to me, I wish I could do that. I wish I could be home with my kid. But they think its impossible. Why!?
I’m not saying every mom should be a work at home or a stay at home, but there has got to be a better alternative that becomes the norm. Build the tribe Dusti, you’ve got my vote. Let me know if you need a hand.
[...] are a rebel mama [...]
[...] On the development of Rebel Mama, and the basis of my future TED talk by Dusti [...]
I can’t wait to see how this project develops. Let me know how I can help.
And you are a kick-ass mama!
Yes and Yes.
Please keep at it, and thank you for listening to your mission:)
You go girl! I am 54 years old, mother to nine, and I still am trying to put it all together in my head and heart. I still have an 11 and 15 year old at home and I feel like I have battled over all these 33 years of being a mom to justify my role. And honestly, sometimes, no one has been more confused about my purpose than I have. I really believe the moms of my generation spent a lot of time apologizing for being moms and we surely weren’t supposed to enjoy or feel that our role had much value. Basically, we were made to feel that anyone could fill that position. So many implications….
I love what you are saying and doing! Thank you for giving me courage and being a voice for other women who maybe don’t know yet that they CAN speak….
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[...] Rebel Mama has been incubating since I wrote my second book, The Minimalist Mom. I realized the topic I really wanted to write about was bigger than that. It wasn’t about minimalism and motherhood; it was about the assumptions and labels people place on us. [...]
[...] working on a new project right now, Rebel Mama, which explores raising kids without losing yourself. It’s going to be witty, inspiring and [...]